I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In America we eat man semen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
