Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
