I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
