Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Less talking, more tequila
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
