i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
And then he peed in my hair
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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