did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
