You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
