I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
