Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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