I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
