I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
