They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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