I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
