Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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