All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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