I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
