Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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