A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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