Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
