No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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