Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
