So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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