Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
