just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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