if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
