I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
