The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
