According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
