I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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