I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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