I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
