Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
