The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
