the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
