Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
