if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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