HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
