Just fell off a train. Bad.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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