You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
