I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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