shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
