I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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