I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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