Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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