White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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