Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
sarcasm needs its own font
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
