So drunk its hurt
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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