Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
