The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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