Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize