the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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