His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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