Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
