my mouth tastes like poor choices
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
